


Why is it so hard to say?

by notalosechester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), 2009 Phan, Cute, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff, Insecure Phil, Internal Conflict, Kinda, M/M, Meet-Cute, Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 00:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15983909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalosechester/pseuds/notalosechester
Summary: Phil has been in love with Dan for a while now. and now that he is with him in person, things get tricky. But Phil could never tell him how he feels...right???





	Why is it so hard to say?

**Author's Note:**

> Back at it again with that trashy Phan fic. *peace sign* sorry i suck so much guys, but thanks for liking it(honestly you guys have great taste in people to read fic about, but horrible taste in fic writers >.<). also, dnp are married now so whoop whoop (just kidding dont @ me when you find out its not true). my life has been....wild lately, lots of personal junk happening and school is just a rabid dog with my scent in its nose (weird analogy sorry), so i have been trudging through that. i've also been getting over a cold, and just general weirdness. lol thats my life for ya.
> 
> my friends b-day was yesterday (shout out to my bro), the same day as one of my many biases, Namjoon. glad you were born, rapper boi. :D. sorry, rambling. ANYways, on with the show.
> 
> as per the use, i was inspired (infires) by music, this time it was Why Don't We's 8 Letters (talk about a glow up, dayum.)  
> Kay

Phil felt his heart pound as Dan pressed close, his arm warm against his.  
The only sound was the whirring of the machinery in the background as they looked around the glass bubble they sat in, the only people there taking in the cold skyline against the star speckled sky. 

It reminded him of Dan’s freckles, pretty and underrated. 

The Manchester Eye had been something he had wanted to show Dan since he had arrived yesterday, the first thing he said after they had unwound themselves from the hug on the platform. It wasn’t London, but it was nice, and it was romantic, and Phil hoped he would like it. As he watched Dan gape at the view, the reflection of the bright lights on the glass hitting him, making his eyes shine and his whole face glow. Phil knew he was whipped. 

It had happened so subtly, under the cover of just being friends, of just wanting to get a viewer’s opinion, of wanting more friends and encouraging him to start up YouTubing. But it had become so much more so quickly. Late nights in front of his laptop, the glow making him look like a vampire, earbuds in as he listened to Dan talk about how bored he was, how he wanted to go move to a city, to be someone.  
“Come live with me.”  
The words had escaped him so quickly, he had slapped his hand over his mouth, trying to think of a “no homo” backup. Dan eyes had lit up. 

“Really?” The hope in his voice and his wide brown eyes form under his fringe made Phil melt.  
“Sure. we can share rent, and work on YouTube together.” Dan looked starstruck, his smile making Phil feel tingly all over. God he was so in love. 

The words struck him. He thought about it for a moment, thinking about how pretty Dan looked in that sweater and his cute dimples and how nice it would be to kiss him- wait _what_. 

Wow.

He really was in love with him. It felt nice. Like a cup of hot tea, soothing and warm and like he wanted to bathe in it. _I’m in love with Dan Howell_. Dan frowned on screen.  
“You okay?” he asked, scooting closer and peering at him with worried eyes.  
“Oh yeah I’m fine.” _i love you_. Dan brushed his hair back, and gave him a small grin.  
“I was saying that it couldn’t happen until after Uni. I would need a job, and my parents…” he said, his voice soft. Phil nodded, shifting on the pillow his elbows were propped on.  
“Yeah, of course. But. I'll wait until then.” The smile Dan gave him made him feel like he was floating. But that was as far as he ever got. 

Dan was easy to be around, but he could never make himself say it. Just 8 little letters that would change everything, make his dream happen or crush it. So he fought it. He had never been one for confrontation, and this was one helluva confrontation. It could wait, it wasn’t like he was dying inside every time he saw Dan, or spoke to him, or like he wasn’t dying to kiss him and hold him, and tell him he loved his smile and his dimples and fall asleep net to him and wake up there too. _Its fine_.

The Eye jolted, making Phil blink and grab the rail. Dan laughed, catching his shoulder and shaking his head.  
“It’s safe you say?” he said, his eyes sparkling. Phil smiled sheepishly, straightening his coat.  
“Sorry. Was thinking.” Dan looked at him, his eyes fond and his smile gentle.  
“About?” Phil felt his heart pound again, his brain demanding he stop talking before he said something stupid and regrettable. Like he could ever say what he meant. “Just. stuff I guess.” he sighed a little, mad at himself and frustrated at how Dan did this to him. Reduced him to nothing, a blubbering mess that couldn’t even speak his mind. There was a moment of still silence. He was unaware that he was viciously glaring out the window until Dan touched his shoulder, turning his gaze to concerned brown eyes, and a frown that cut his forehead.  
“Okay, I think we need to talk.” Phil frowned, his eyes darting from the window to Dan and back again.  
“About what?” Dan scoffed and let go of his shoulder.  
“About how you are trying to bore holes in the glass. What’s wrong?”

Phil felt his temperature rise quickly, making his skin turn red and his hands felt slick.  
“Nothing-” Dan smacked his arm lightly, his eyes serious. “I’m serious Phil. what is bothering you?” Phil looked up at him, and realized that he actually had to look up a little to see him properly. A little swoop made his stomach flip at the thought.  
“I’ve just been thinking…” the way Dan’s eyes looked at him, soft and vulnerable like he could never think a bad thing about Phil made him feel guilty for some reason. _I love you. And I’m sorry I can’t say it_.  
“Just about us. Like that time you said we would live together.” Dan smiled a little, his eyes warm and a bit distant as he thought of that moment. Phil took a slow breath and tried to regulate his heart.  
“Yeah. I still want to. Things are looking up, I think I’m going to come here for Uni. I’d have to live on campus though. But I could come over all the time, and we can look for a place!” 

The hope made him ache, the way Dan looked like a kid on Christmas, the lights and the view behind him.  
_God I love you_. 

The silence and the stunned look on Dan’s face made Phil’s heart sink to his shoes. Oh please _no_. first came the overwhelming heat as he realized what he had done. You idiot. Dan blinked at him, mouth gaping. There is nothing to say. He turned away, his eyes burning like his throat and his heart still in his chest.  
“I’m sorry.” he whispered, his voice hoarse as he tried to keep it from cracking. This is exactly what he was afraid of. Dan took his chin gently, making him turn to him. “Phil. don’t apologize.” He too looked a little teary eyed.  
“There is no reason to apologize.” Phil felt stupid. He felt weak and foolish, standing there with his weird scarf and hat, crying as someone who should be disgusted with him consoled him. He _should_ be the one apologizing. Dan wasn’t supposed to be so soothing, he was supposed to be laughing, repulsed and offended that someone like Phil liked someone like him. Dan was so perfect and out of his league.

But here he was, wrapping his arms around him and patting his back and whispering calming words.  
“I’ve ruined everything.” Dan looked at him like he had his head on backwards.  
“No you haven’t. What makes you think I don’t feel the same way?” he looked annoyed now, his eyebrows raised. They had almost reached the top of the Eye, the outside world cold and quiet as they stood there, facing each other, Phil drying his face and looking disbelievingly as Dan crossed his arms.  
“Because. I’m me, and you are…” Dan laughed.  
“You’re perfect Phil. I like you just the way you are.” He neared, his eyes dancing and bright, his touch warm as he took his hands in his. His body knew that Dan had kissed him, but his mind had short circuited. Everything was quiet, the noise of the city faint, his heartbeat racing again, his mind singing a mantra of _finallyfinallyfinally_ and his senses full of Dan. Suddenly, him blurting things out didn’t seem like such a huge mistake.

“Scratch that.” Dan said, as they reached the bottom of the Eye, the lady thanking them for visiting and to come again soon. The night was cold and Dan was warm against his side.

“I don’t like you. I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading till the end, friend (hey that rhymed). sorry it was such a bad ending agh *hides* :DD 
> 
> *youtuber voice* dont forget to leave a comment and smASH that kudos button, as it helps me feel like i made someone happy which i love. i live to please ;) 
> 
> follow me on the Tumbs @notalosechesterawinchester, hit me up with a message i love hearing from readers, it helps me know what you guys like. send me suggestions and prompts, or just come to yell at me, idk.  
> keep it fresh you guys. *drops mic*  
> Kay


End file.
